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2001-12-19
~@~ 9:59 a.m.
" I...carried a watermelon." Remember than scene in Dirty Dancing where Jennifer Grey (before the nosejob) finally meets her hottie, Swayze (before Roadhouse), and that's the only bumbling line she can get out of her mouth. We can all empathize what it's like to feel like a dork. especially in front of people you want to impress. So, I am the dork. I am the watermelon carrier. Last night: the ride down was great, dinner at our favorite dingy dive was awesome, the band kicked some serious ass (they finished with a rock-out, fast version of Springsteen's Born to Run--yes!). But then SHE appeared. I am seriously not a jealous wife. Hubby and I have always loved it because we can be flirty we other people, but it is all in fun. He is the first guy I dated who didn't have jealously hang-ups. Neither one of us is used to that stomach-knawing, annoying jealous feeling. But, there are times when we both get it. Just a little. And out of nowhere. And last night it struck me down like a lighting bolt from Hades. Engulfed me in it's wicked, silly, senseless ways. Ugh. I thought I spotted her earlier in the club, but decided to pretend she wasn't there. If it was indeed her, I wanted her to witness our physical affection in public. (Ugh-- I am a twisted person.) And then I got all wrapped up in the band, and forgot all about her. When they finished, I went to the bathroom, came out to look for hubby, and there SHE was. SHE is, of course, and ex of hubby's. There are no other ex's of hubby's I get this way around. And I can't really figure out what it is about her that I get all icky-jealous about. She's pretty cute. She's well traveled. She is in law school. Well damn. That may be a start, huh? But it's not like hubby has ever thought she hung the moon. And I happen to know that they've never even had sex, so it doesn't have anything to do with that. But I HATE to feel jealous! It makes me feel all girly, and silly. SHE is completely, genuinely nice to me. She gives me plenty of eye contact, and asks about my job, and our house. I have no reason to get all wierd. But then that feeling creeps up my spine. And I know it's coming. And I try not to let it get ahold of me. I try to think about how hubby is touching my arm while he's talking to her. And how she is truly nice to me. Even though I am bumbling sentences out of my mouth that aren't nearly as funny, or witty. And her scarf is cool, and she went to Scotland.... But then my brain, and all logic, caves in. And all I can think is she's so pretty, she's so funny, she's so smart, whah, whah, whah!!! And then it's a mean downward spiral, and I know I am doomed. Sucked in by jealously. Silly, and foolish, and jealous. Me? Jealous! Acckkkk! It's like I am in the middle of this huge PMS emo-trip that I can't control. And I hate myself for not having control over this useless emotion. I beat myself up for being...human. And how about that Liz Phair song: "Imagine me behind your eyes, and then what to see, I saw hips, I saw thighs, I saw secret positions that we never tried, I saw jealousy." Hubby knows it. I've seen him have his weak moments too, when he changes the topic of conversation about a certain past boy in my life. But I expect so much from myself. I expect to be beyond these silly feelings. But I'm not. And I'm ranting about my weaknesses in an attempt to make myself ok with them. Hubby held me a little closer after all that. I know he could sense it, even though I was trying to be all cool, and joke around with the guys. He's the one that brought me a dozen roses the other day, for our 6 month wedding anniversary. I'm the one who forgot. I'm the dork. I carried the watermelon.
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